“Hi, I’m Anita Peer”—well, actually Anita Hide...I wish I hide under the table... “Pleased—terrified—to meet you! I’m confident we’ll have a meaningful—superficial—time getting to know each other.”—for hopefully about 37 seconds... Just smile and nod, just smile and nod...Why is it so hot in here?... Is my face red?... Oh no, they know...Can I go home now?...
This is the internal dialogue I imagine someone with social anxiety disorder might have. If you or a loved one can relate to Anita, and you’d like to understand more about SAD and how to overcome it, read on!
Social anxiety disorder (SAD) is more than just shyness or occasional nervousness. Key characteristics of social anxiety disorder include:
SAD can begin in childhood, influenced by factors like negative experiences and internalized core beliefs. Overly controlling or intrusive parenting, along with stressful life events, may increase the risk of developing social anxiety as well. Though it’s important to understand how social anxiety develops, it’s also equally, if not more, important to understand what keeps it going.
The cycle that maintains social anxiety disorder can be summarized in the following 5 steps:
Individuals with social anxiety feel like they have little control over their nervousness in social situations. They see themselves in a negative light and not only believe that others have very high expectations of them but also believe their social skills are not good enough to handle interactions properly. Negative core beliefs that fuel social anxiety often revolve around three main themes:
Anxiety grows as one becomes excessively self-conscious, focusing on perceived shortcomings rather than the actual social interaction.
Cognitive distortions exaggerate the likelihood of negative outcomes and overestimate the potential social costs of failure.
To prevent perceived social failure, they avoid interactions or rely on safety behaviors that reinforce their fears. Unfortunately, these reactions keep people with social anxiety disorder from learning that social interactions are not as dangerous as they fear and limit opportunities for positive social experiences and skill-building.
After the social event, they replay the scenarios in their mind and think about everything that was or was not said and done, focusing on perceived mistakes and should-haves, thus reinforcing negative beliefs.[i] This type of rumination is often heavily influenced by negative, unhelpful, and irrational cognitive distortions.
These patterns maintain and worsen social anxiety over time, creating a self-perpetuating cycle. Conquering social anxiety may require the willingness to feel uncomfortable at times, but with intentionality, determination, and practice, it’s not at all impossible!
One of the biggest struggles with social anxiety is the desire to control how others see us. The truth is that we can’t control people's thoughts or reactions, and trying to do so only increases anxiety. Therefore, instead of aiming for perfection or a specific response from others, focus on being present in the moment. Accept that some things are out of your hands, and that’s okay. Try shifting your mindset from “I must make a perfect impression” to “I will do my best and allow things to unfold naturally.”
Avoidance keeps social anxiety alive. To break the cycle, you can start facing social situations gradually by, for example, saying hello to a cashier, making eye contact with a stranger, or joining a casual conversation. Then, slowly increase the challenge. Then, ask yourself: What actually happened? Was it truly better or worse than what I expected? You will see that your mind predicts disaster, but reality is usually much kinder! With repeated exposure, your brain learns that social situations aren’t as threatening as they seem. Remind yourself: “The worst-case scenario rarely happens, and even if it does, I will survive.”
Social anxiety makes us overly self-focused, constantly monitoring how we appear. A great way to break this cycle is to shift your attention outward. Instead of thinking, “What do they think of me?”, focus on “How can I enjoy my time with them and make them feel comfortable?” Try small acts of kindness like showing genuine interest, asking questions, giving a compliment, or simply listening. This not only reduces anxiety but also makes interactions so much more fulfilling!
Several studies have shown the benefits of moving your body for increasing self-confidence, improving your body image, and regulating your mood, regardless of actual fitness levels.[ii, iii] Mastering physical challenges, through exercise, for example, builds a sense of competence, which carries over to other areas of life, including social interactions. It also improves energy levels and overall well-being, making social situations feel less intimidating. Activities like stretching, running, or strength training can be particularly helpful for managing stress and calming the nervous system. Read this article to learn more about exercise and mental well-being.
Cognitive behavioral therapy techniques are a powerful tool in managing and treating social anxiety disorder. Work on being able to identify and understand your specific negative self-talk and limiting beliefs and go through the steps described here to dispute them. Cognitive behavioral therapy provides a wonderful framework to reshape thoughts, enhance positive emotions, change behaviors, and re-form rational beliefs. However, don’t hesitate to seek professional help for this step.
*****
“Hi, I’m Anita Peer—actually, just Anita Peer. Pleased to meet you! I’m looking forward to our conversation.” And who knows–maybe we’ll even have a meaningful one. If not, that’s okay too. I don’t need to rehearse every word or plan my escape—I can just be here... Deep breath... It’s fine... Smile—not forced, just real.
Social anxiety doesn’t disappear overnight, but with understanding, practice, and patience, you can reclaim confidence and connection. Facing fears, letting go of control, and shifting focus outward can make social interactions feel less like a battle and more like an opportunity... one step at a time. So, next time you find yourself in a social situation, take a breath, show up as you are, and remember: you belong here.
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References:
[i] Hofmann S. G. (2007). Cognitive Factors That Maintain Social Anxiety Disorder: A Comprehensive Model and Its Treatment Implications. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, 36(4), 193–209.
[ii] Fox, K. R. (2000). The Effects of Exercise on Self-Perceptions and Self-Esteem. International Journal of Sport Psychology, 31(2), 228-240. Bandura’s Self-Efficacy Theory (1977).
[iii] Bandura, A. (1977). Self-efficacy: Toward a Unifying Theory of Behavioral Change. Psychological Review, 84(2), 191-215.
